Chapter 2 made me cry a lot.
Bottom line...I want to love Aaron better and felt horrible that I haven't been doing that.
Last night, I went outside and sat with him as he worked on our car.
I said, "I want to love you better."
He said, "I think you do love me really well."
"No I don't! I want to get better at enjoying you, prizing you and cherishing you."
He looked up from what he was doing and said, "I think you do enjoy me."
"No I don't!" Sheesh. What does he know?
Aaron looked confused. He said, "I think we do enjoy each other. I love being with you. We prefer one another over anyone or anything else..."
It was sweet for him to want me to know he feels loved, and maybe all the self loathing this past week over not loving him better was a bit dramatic.
BUT...I know that I don't love, enjoy, cherish and prize Aaron as much as I know I could...and even want to.
We talked more about it this morning. I admitted to him that lots of times, I'm glad he's home from work, NOT because I'm glad to see him, but because I need help.
It's those small things that I want to work on and remedy.
He called it guarding against the "tyranny of the urgent."
The most pressing thing in the moment seems to get our attention (like babies crawling up your legs while you're trying to cook dinner). We are glad our husbands are home, but not because we have missed them, and are happy to see them, but because that baby needs to be removed from our thigh.
Life is busy.
As humans, we are EASILY distracted from what really matters.
Thankfully, in God's goodness and grace, He has given us His Word.
What matters? What will last?
1 Corinthians 12:13
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
One of my favorite Psalms...and something I pray over myself and my family...
Psalm 119:37
Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word.
I don't want to waste my life. We're prone to do just that. We give our love, our time and attention to worthless things. Thankfully God's Word redirects our priorities and teaches us what's important. Titus 2 gives us a great place to start...some wonderful things to concentrate on, and grow in...things we will NEVER regret. Our life will not be wasted loving our husbands, our children, managing our homes well, growing in purity, kindness and wisdom.
If you're like me, then this chapter about loving your husband hit you hard.
It's good to go to the Lord and our husbands with a repentant heart, asking God and our husband how to love better.
However, once convicted, we need to repent...and once we've repented, we need to lift up our head, not wallow in regret...instead, because of God's grace and goodness in giving us His Word, and convicting our hearts, we can begin DOING the right, God honoring thing. In this case, LOVING our husbands better and sweeter.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (Amplified Bible)
For godly grief and the pain God is permitted to direct, produce a repentance that leads and contributes to salvation and deliverance from evil, and it never brings regret; but worldly grief (the hopeless sorrow that is characteristic of the pagan world) is deadly [breeding and ending in death].
So what are some things we can start doing TODAY to put on love for our husbands, to enjoy them, cherish them and prize them?Here are some tangible things I want to do better. It's funny, because these are NOT big things.
1. When Aaron comes home, I want to stop what I'm doing and notice him, greet him and really speak to him. Man, I already feel like such a lump.
2. Aaron and I were talking this morning about when your family grows, you have to make a purposeful effort to be near each other as a couple. Affection may not always come natural or as often, because someone is always holding a child. So...we are going to pay more attention to making sure we are sitting next to each other, and things like that when we're home.
3. We're going to be intentional about touching one another. When you have lots of kids, you are ALWAYS touching and loving on someone...I hope. But, we want to be purposeful about how we touch one another. I want to hug Aaron when he leaves for work in the morning, and every chance I get in the evening. As a whole, our family is very affectionate to each other. We simply want to make sure that as the parents, we are not just hugging, kissing and cuddling someone in this house...but we're doing those things with EACH OTHER as husband and wife.
4. I want to do better about making sure that Aaron feels like he's the most important person to me...my best friend. This means, for me, making sure he hears all breaking news FIRST in our home. This means answering my cell phone when he's calling and I'm talking to someone else. Again...what a lump I am.
Bottom line...God has given us a loving warning and command to grow in friendship love with our husbands. I am convicted that I treat Aaron in ways I would NEVER treat my friends. How ridiculous of me.
No matter how far gone we are...whether we just need to tweak some things, or change everything, God will help us do it! Feeling like a lost cause? Read Deuteronomy 30. What hope there is in Christ!
The entire Bible is a story of God doing the impossible, of taking situations too far gone, and too hard...situations that seem hopeless and RESTORING them.
No matter how far gone things are, because of God's goodness, love and grace, we can TODAY start growing in our friendship love with our husband.
What are you going to do today to love your husband as your friend...to enjoy him, prize him and cherish him? It's nice to make lists and think on the big ideas, and issues, but it's also easy to stop right there and not actually do ANYTHING. Let's be a DOER of God's Word TODAY in the life of our husband.
Part of the truth of the gospel is, God can change us...He makes all things new, and His mercies are new every morning.
Today is a new day. I pray we go to bed tonight having loved our husbands better TODAY.
Married girls I mentor...I will be asking you this question TODAY. Be ready.
9 comments:
This is certainly an area that I have failed miserably, learned so much, yet still have so far to go! My husband is a grace filled man, especially when it comes to me. He would never complain, unless something was major wrong (even though sometimes I wish he would!).
The problem with that was that I wasn't really examining myself to see if I was doing well in this area. When the Lord makes us "ONE" as a married couple, there is significance in that! I had to really take some time and examine if I was valuing that gift.
I have lived the life where my husband was my idol to me. I have lived the life where my husband was unimportant to me. Praise the Lord for his patience with me, and that of my husband too!
Be careful...these things slip in over years. Ask the Lord to show you what takes priority over your relationship with your husband. For me it has been family, kids, friends....none of which are bad things in and of themselves.
What a great time to examine your relationship with your husband. It should hopefully always be growing! Have fun together! Stop what you are doing when he comes in the door from work! Sit close on the couch! Let your kids see that marriage is so much more than just living together & not fighting! It is the little things that matter!!
Yes, number 3 about touching one another was a huge deal in our marriage. I didn't even realize what was happening until Mark pointed it out to me.
And certainly, I have fallen into that, "Thank heavens he's home to help me!" line of thought many times! He gets home very late in the evening, so I often feel that my patience it pretty much on empty by that point. That shows an issue with ME, not him, and I have often sat and thought, "How would I feel if I came home from a long day of work and Mark was happy I was here to take over?" So sad!
This is very good, Heather.
And I also agree that kids need to see the FUN and the LOVE in marriage, just as Shannan pointed out.
Melodi
Heather, with all respect I have a hard time reading this series. From what I read it sounds to me like you're being hard on yourself, trying to do what you "should" do "better". I have a hard time with the word should. Not because principles are to be thrown out the window, but because God designed us to live in relationship with Him, and for our relational choices with others to flow out of a concept of His love for that person. I want the heart of Jesus for each person I interact with.
Not to argue semantics here, but I just submit to you that you could be making this more about you than about your husband. If he says you love him well, trust him. Get God's heart for him, treat him like God speaks for you to treat him, and yes work on those small things, but perhaps more from a perspective of it really being about him and Him rather than how well you are doing.
I really think he does love and appreciate you but you want to be perfect. Forgive me if I'm reading in between the lines too much. In love!
Ok, so your post was actually more convicting than the reading of chap 2. My husband is a "touch" person and I could go crazy some evenings when he returns home from work. I am so happy that he is home (to entertain my busy son) and I just want to be left alone to get dinner ready in the kitchen, by myself. He comes in, puts his arms around me while I'm at the sink and then I just want to slide away and get to whatever is on the stove, in the oven, pantry, etc... How awful am I???
So, years down the road, when he stops being affectionate, whose fault will it be? MINE!! If I keep ignoring that and passing on the idea that his affection is actually an interruption to what I need to be doing, he IS going to stop and boy will we be in trouble then.
Thanks for this third section... I am going to start giving that moment to my husband every evening. I mean really, he is trying to tell me that he doesn't care when dinner gets done or if the dishes are clean- he is saying "stop and hug me!" I am very affectionate with my son and most times, no matter what I'm doing, if he asks for a hug or a kiss, I give without hesitation. So why not to Jeff? I totally take advantage of him and am definitely at the point right now in which his return from work is a favor to me instead of a blessing personally.
Wow! I'm a piece of work and am very thankful that GOD can fix me more than I could ever fix myself. My poor husband!
oh, and thanks so much for this outlet to be so honest... I am truly trusting in God that this avenue of sharing is going to bless all of us so much!
AH - I am LOVING these posts and everyone's comments!
Touching is something that we are actually working on RIGHT NOW!
We've been going to a counselor for over six months to help us process our first four years of marriage (long story for another blog comment). Our counselor gave us two really good things to do to increase the touching in our relationship:
1. Every morning and every evening (usually before I go to work and right when I get home) we hug for 30 seconds. Yes, my husband times it and we just embrace. At first I thought it was so silly - but now we look forward to it! Intentional hugging!
2. Every evening when I get home from work we're suppose to spend 15-20 minutes just sitting on the couch talking and touching - not talking budgets or business or schedules - just talking about our day or anything! We definitely need to work on this one more than we need to work on the hugging.
Just thought I'd share those ideas that were given to us!
As someone who knows and walks with Heather continually in life, I would add to the conversation here that Heather is a passionate person. Whatever she does, it is with tremendous passion! It is evident in all of her posts. If she reads a book that really speaks to her, she writes a post that delves into that topic deeper than most minds would EVER go, and she takes some of us along with her as we read the blog.
If she eats a REALLY delicious apple - aka the Honey Crisp apple -then not only will she write about it, but those of us who really don't care for fruit at all will have a mouth-watering experience just reading the post!
My point is, if Heather reads about how Scripture should affect our daily lives and interaction with our husbands, she's going to passionately throw herself into that aspect of living for the Lord and she's going to leave NO STONE UNCOVERED until all has been laid bare and transformation has occurred. She may cry many tears before it's over, but in the end, she will know that for now, that aspect of her life has been addressed.
At no point in the years I've known her has Heather proven to be a perfectionist, but certainly, always striving to be "better" at the things God has called her to do. It brings joy, though, not self-condmemnation.
I realize that when the written word is put out there for anyone to read, some will misinterpret either the words or the tone, so I wanted to speak from the perspective of someone who knows Heather. I'm glad you commented, anonymous, because there were possibly others with the same perception.
Melodi
Thanks Anonymous.
Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding.
Hard on myself? The things I could do to love Aaron better are not hard. I think their simplicity shows my selfishness.
I'm glad Aaron feels loved. I do trust Him. My conversation with Aaron last night and this morning made me feel greatly encouraged and I should have taken all this to him a week ago. But I won't ignore the prompting in my heart, when I read God's Word and it encourages me to learn to love Aaron better, and grow in my friendship with him. God is faithful. He loves me. He loves Aaron. By telling me to concentrate on loving Aaron, God is doing a sweet thing through His Word...in that I fully believe.
Maybe this is some selfish ploy to make this all about me. I'm prone to selfishness like everyone else. But so far, this hasn't been about being perfect. From where I come from, and our past, perfect seems very far from where I am.
As far as not liking certain words, like "should" or "better" I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about.
I hope this blog is filled with teaching that is not a list of things we "should" or "should not" do for the sake of a list, or legalistic, religious attempts to please God. If we're believers, God loves us...simply because He decided to love us. Nothing we can do can merit more love from God.
However, God DOES tell us what we should and should not do in His Word, but I hope people who come here are reminded that He tells us those things because He's first and foremost allowed to...He's God who alone is righteous and just. But also because He is good, loving and wants us to choose life (John 10:10, Deut. 30). I did a quick little search on Bible Gateway, and Jesus uses the word, "should" pretty often. He tells us what we "should" say and how we "should" pray, and many other things we "should" do or not do.
I think we all, to some degree have a hard time with certain words, maybe because those words have been used in the wrong ways in our lives by people who have abused their authority over us, or been false teachers.
So instead of saying "better" I will say this...
I want God to teach me how to increase in my love for Aaron. For that I make no apologies. I don't want other worthless things in my life to distract me from what God is telling me is truly important...love.
1 Thessalonians 3:12
May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.
Touching--who knew that touching could mean so much?!
Once again, THANK YOU Heather for being so open and honest. God has gifted you not to only be a talented writer but to speak His truth.
You are not the only one who felt convicted from this chapter. and while we might feel bad for not loving our husbands better I feel that it is a good sign. It means that we are examining our relationship, we are finding the weakness, and we are willing to change. We are being HONEST with ourselves, eachother, and God and trusting in Him that He can help us.
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