I've been trying to organize my thoughts in my mind before sitting down to write.
I give up.
I can't.
First...it's Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. Our family participated in this time of fasting and intentional devotionals last year, so we're excited to that again this year.
We've just been super overwhelmed with this whole Haiti thing, hurting for these children and for the country. We wanted to spend more time finding just the right study for our family, but like I said...other things have been on our minds.
Aaron found these two studies...
Lenten Family Devotions
Family Devotions for Lent
We'll use a mixture of both. They are both extremely simple. Simple works best for our family. I love that the top one has your kids create an art journal for Lent. Maybe we'll all get artistic as a family together in the evenings.
We're not Catholic, but we love celebrating Lent and Advent. Hopefully I can write more on these things early next week.
Just wanted to include those links in case you are looking for something to use. Feel free to add your own resources in the comment section.
Now onto the brain slush...
Please keep in mind that this is all really raw right now for me. I want to be honest. I also don't want to sound like a jerk. Tough balance...especially when your emotions and thoughts are all over the place. The moment I feel like I have to have this all figured out before I say anything is the moment I quit this blogging stuff.
Will we open our home to a child from Haiti who needs to come to the US for medical attention?
It all started last week with that question.
We have a home study, all the piles of paperwork needed for such a task because we recently adopted Hudson.
It wasn't really a matter of "can we be ready for this"...we were ready.
It's been a question of will we do this?
I'll admit...it would be pretty hard to say out loud, "No. I won't help. I'll let a child sit and suffer in another country when I could prevent that by offering my home."
This is probably one of the clearest definitions of "orphan in distress" we'll find.
How can we say no?
And yet...we've really wrestled hard with this...like fat, sweaty sumo style wrestling.
Most of these kids (if not all of them) will be amputees.
An amputee?
My mind sort of went numb when I heard that word.
And then after waking back up I'm sad to admit that the next thing I said to Aaron was....
We're going to be raising Buster? Seriously Aaron? No freakin' way.
You have to be an Arrested Development fan to get that. Sorry.
We also have a long list of reasons why this will be difficult, maybe too difficult, not the right time, and possibly insane. I've pretty much felt like I've sucked it up at my life lately in almost every area...add something else to my plate? This is ridiculous.
The hardest part about all of this is knowing who to seek advice from...who to ask...who to go to for wise counsel.
We know people who love Jesus who would probably tell us we're being crazy. People who love Jesus could easily look at all the evidence and even describe what we're doing as "unwise."
Are you kidding? I look at all the evidence about five times a day and say the same thing. So I don't fault those people.
But all the people whose lives God has used to challenge us, who we respect because of the radical, might need medication ways they follow hard after Jesus have reminded us that following Jesus is never easy. There's probably never "just the right time". Never.
I read Katie's latest blog post and think what I'm dealing with right now is minor leagues compared to how God is using her. I want to be like Katie! I want to be like the Livesays. Normal people who say yes to God. I'm sure none of them said yes because their "no column" was empty. I'm sure they had their own reasons for looking at their life and saying, "not now."
Those are the people God has put in my path as my "cloud of witness"...those going before me, showing me what it looks like to let go of this world and hold onto the life that God is calling me to as his child.
So that's been difficult. I love wise counsel. It's just been hard to know who to ask for advice when I'm not sure we should be running after safe or "wise" the way that word is used by people living safe, always logical lives. I'm not trying to be judgmental of those people...I can't be. I'm one of those safe people right now. I'm a lover of all things safe and smart. But I'm not sure I want to be this person.
What we're doing right now as we prepare for this possibility to care for an injured child from a different culture is...
praying
looking for guidance from people who challenge us to walk by faith, to do crazy kingdom things when God presents those opportunities...
talking all this out in community. There's a group of us who are getting ready to open our homes up to these kids. We are meeting, praying, talking...working this out with the Lord and in the light and comfort of community.
We'll need that once these kids get here (if they come) but we need it now as we honestly share the thoughts that give us stomach cramps, cause arguments with our spouses, and keep us from sleeping at night because of all the "junk" God is bringing out in all of our souls...our lack of faith...our selfishness...our big mouths and tiny actions...our need to control our lives even if we know that control is a big illusion.
There is so much to work through.
After our first group meeting yesterday I walked away thankful. Every single one of us could give you a long list of reasons why this is not the right time, or will be terribly inconvenient. Not joking...all huge, legit reasons. It wasn't comforting to know that everyone has crazy lives...it was comforting to me to hear that maybe this is what faith looks like. Trusting God when it doesn't make any sense. I sat there wondering if there had ever been a good time in any of our lives to do something like this. I'm guessing no. I'm guessing...as much as I hate it...that obeying Jesus and following Him, forsaking this world is always going to be hard and ruin the plans our hands have created.
I want to be totally honest...this is my place to do that. I want to do it graciously...but I need you to know where I'm at and how to pray for me.
Personally I am battling irritation today.
Believe me...I know how hard of a decision this has been for us. I'm not upset that many people can't do this right now. I'm just battling frustration over how many people (living in the cities approached with this opportunity) haven't even asked for more information about helping these kids. They have said no without even knowing the details or the needs.
Lots of people have asked for the information, prayed over all of it and had to come to the gut wrenching conclusion that this was not for them. I'm hurting with those people, but so grateful for how they sought the Lord, were informed...cared enough to gather the facts. I believe every heart that hurt over this decision (no matter the answer) will be forever changed in regards to the suffering going on around the world.
There is nothing but love and hurt in my heart as I love and hurt with all of those people who had to make that hard decision.
I'm crushed today over how many believers have been able to hear this need and not even find out more information.
Crushed.
I'm hurting and getting angry over it.
And yet I know that's NOT where God wants me.
I know.
I know this isn't for everyone.
I know God is not asking everyone to do this.
I just don't know how someone could hear that kids are suffering...dying...most of them needlessly...a short distance away from us and not need to know the details. I don't understand today how people can know we have a chance to help these kids, know what God says about caring for the orphan and not even CONSIDER if God is calling them to action...to find out more so they can pray and then pray some more over this need.
One of the ladies in our meeting yesterday said something like..."I feel so honored that God would give us this chance to care for these kids. I just don't want anyone I love to miss out on this chance. I believe they will be missing out on such a blessing."
That's where I want to be...that's the right place to be.
That's the reason why I wish everyone would adopt a child...because I have a Hudson...and I want everyone I love to have one too.
But today I'm not there with this. I'm just not.
I'm irritated.
Today I'm hurting and fighting off thoughts of anger and disappointment.
I'm asking God what this means for His people, that we could hear of this need and not even hurt over whether or not we're the ones who should respond?
I'm also asking God to remind me that not everyone has to care about the orphan the same way. We all have to care if we claim to know Jesus...but not the same way.
I'm asking God to teach me how to talk about these things...how to think about them...how to challenge myself and others with His Word, but to do so gently and with grace.
That's an update on this girl. Just wanted you to know where we're at today.
8 comments:
You cannot pick your nose with your elbow. 1Corinthians12:14 If you are an elbow, you don't even need to pray about it. It is outside your realm of ability and interest. Fingers have the option. Toes are possibles.
What a privilege to be able to live guilt-free in Jesus and not be like everyone else or anyone else. What a privilege to be able to enjoy what everyone else or no one else can enjoy, just because Jesus has called you to it. Poppi
Heather, I know it's hard when you are convicted about something and have very strong feelings about those convictions and it seems so right. So true. So unarguably the right thing to do..for you. And then it seems that the rest of the world doesn't give a flip. I've experienced that at church and it's very hurtful. It's always more hurtful when it's fellow Believers.
I know you know that we are not all called to help the orphans in exactly the same way. Some, it's money. Some, it's going to Haiti. For some it's taking them into your home.
I think it would be safe to say that the Lord has told some no...in just the same way he said yes to you, in this specific situation.
I love that you said you can't get it all figured out before you post on your blog about it. I've been wanting to post some things that I'm wrestling with but have hesitated to do so for lack of "expertise" on the topic. Who am I kidding? I will never have expertise on anything but eating an entire piece of fudge like it's a dinner roll. So, thanks for showing us how you are working through all of your feelings, trying to make them right with the Spirit.
We are in the process of finalizing the adoption of our daughter, who has an intellectual disability (Down syndrome). The process of her adoption - of getting to the place of saying YES! to whatever baby God had for us was so brutal. And lonely. Because 99.5% of the people in our lives thought we were out of our mind. Because I am a chicken and was scared out of my mind through the whole process. Becuase saying, yes God, I trust you to bring us the right kid even if that kid has a lot of problems revealed what a control freak and comfort addict I really am. There are still things that are really hard, and ways it has changed the comfort level of our lives forever. And then I look at her. And I hold her. And I am so in love, and so blessed that God gave her to us, and I can't believe she is what I was so scared about, because she is such a gift.
I'm praying for you in this journey, as a fellow scared mess who wants to want to follow Jesus wherever that takes me.
Heather, thanks for being honest. Keep praying, and be quiet. I don't mean physically, and I know it's super hard with 4 kids, but REST, and be still, and WAIT for the Lord's answer. Spend time with Him, and ask Him to reveal His answer to you. He will give it in just the right time. It doesn't have to be tomorrow or the next day. He will answer you at the right time. He loves those kids even more than you do! Ask God to help you recognize His answer.
Then just trust. He will handle all of the details.
GREAT post - I love your honesty and your heart. I'm praying for you.
I read Haggai this morning, and it reminded me of your post in a way. Specifically the part in Haggai about the Lord stirring up the people's hearts to be obedient to what He was calling them to do. It reminded me that I cannot do anything good or even have the desire to do so, apart from His work within me.
I also read a book last semester on Jonathan and Sara Edwards and in the back it had Jonathan's resolutions. Alan actually used this specific one in his sermon a few weeks ago, but gosh I want this mindset ingrained into the way I think!
"Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God."
I know these things are nothing new to you. I have struggled a lot in this area and God is continually reminding me of these truths. This comment was not meant to do anything but encourage you and others as God has encouraged me with His grace towards us!
Love you!
So good Rachel...Aaron and I talked a lot about those same ideas last night.
Which is good.
Yes...we need God's grace. We are all vile. But we all need to also be reminded and encouraged that God is speaking to all of us in His Word. All of us. yes, we need God's grace to respond to anything good God is calling us to do. But, we also need to HEAR and be REMINDED of what God loves.
I need to be reminded of God's grace every day, but I also need people challenging me to do what scripture commands...because that is where we find life.
God says care for the orphan. He commands us to care for them and about them.
So it's been hard to sit back and see apathy in this situation without getting sad and disappointed.
But God is healing my heart today...healing it up.
And reminded me that God has called many of us to be a voice for the orphan..to say uncomfortable things and ask really hard questions. That's no fun some times...but I know I haven't been faithful. I'm asking God for a lot of strength and a lot of faith.
Heather
That is very true. Thanks for using your blog as a means for that and making us think. I am challenged and encouraged by you!
I am so grateful for you heather. so grateful for your honesty. so grateful that you openly defend those who cannot defend themselves.
Brian and I fall under the category of those who searched and sought about this situation, but felt the Lord saying 'no' right now. NOT because of money. NOT because we only want 'whole' children. NOT out of fear. but out of lack of community here in houston.
Our lives are forever changed because of this. changed about how we think about children. I will honestly say that although Brian and I KNOW that our family will adopt someday, we had NEVER even discussed the possibility of taking in a child with special needs. And the Lord has greatly stretched us and grown us this past week, that's for sure. ALL children are created in His image and are precious to Him.
This has (once again) solidified the desperate need we have for community. Before we moved down here, we loved the body so much, but did not appreciate it like we do now. This has solidified our return to College Station this summer. Our hearts have a whole new meaning and appreciation of community.
Please continue to pray for our family. Every update we receive has us praying, seeking the Lord, and grieving. Our hearts are undergoing some major healing right now. We desperately need prayer.
And we are praying for all those who have responded to this call. We want to join you in this. If there is ANY need- prayer, support, finances- ANYTHING. please do not be too prideful to ask.
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