(I'm going to opt out on a picture for this post, for obvious reasons)
Aaron is going in for the big "V" on Friday.
Although it's something we've talked about and prayed about for several years, I've never written about it. As I'm typing this there are several dear couples in our life who struggle with infertility and here we are about to permanently prevent the very thing that our sweet friends are desperately praying would happen.
Life can be hard, confusing, and strange.
For those of you who are considering this very procedure (or will one day), I thought it might be helpful to get this out in the open.
This was in some ways a very difficult decision for us, and in other ways an easy one.
Easy because Aaron has told me over and over, "I do not think you are supposed to be pregnant anymore."
My pregnancies were plain terrible. I wish I was mature enough to look at my difficult pregnancies as wonderful times of refinement, where I learned a great deal about the Lord and grew from those experiences. Maybe that's what I was supposed to do. That did not happen. Instead, the thought of pregnancy brings back terrible memories. I was full-time sick for about 25 weeks of each pregnancy. I threw up multiple times a day, could barely get off the couch and had to have IV's in the doctor's office multiple times. The severe nausea never let up. Never. Was it all worth it? Yes. Of course. Each one of these crazy, silly, precious boys was worth every trip to the toilet.
Being that sick for that long also caused me to struggle with depression. Depression has never been an issue for me. I like being active. I like playing with my kids. I like the house to be livable and comfortable. I like having people over. When I was pregnant life stopped. When I was pregnant with Ashton, Hayden was still very, very sick. I cried most of the day. I threw up before and after I'd change every dirty diaper. The smell of my kids when they would climb on me would cause me to run to the bathroom. Everything I wanted to do...love my kids, cuddle them, cook meals for them (and for Aaron)...it wasn't happening. It was physically impossible. I think that's why the depression would sink in eventually. Thankfully it would go away once my frequent flier miles from the bathroom decreased.
Once all the kids got a little older I thought maybe I could do it again...I could get pregnant when the kids could do more for themselves...when they quit wearing three fourths of their lunch on their clothing. But then the kids got a little older...I started homeschooling Anson...and I had to admit...I didn't want to be pregnant again. I didn't want our life to shut down for a year. I would imagine that black hole of pregnancy and honestly did not want to go anywhere near it. I wanted to enjoy my family, to consistently discipline my kids, and serve the sweet people that lived in our home.
There's no other way to describe it...the thought of another pregnancy brings about a lot of fear. I love kids a lot. I adore breastfeeding. My deliveries are super easy. And yet the constant sickness is such a big deal to me that I never want to be pregnant again. Feeling like I have the flu 24/7 for five months (times multiple pregnancies) is sadly too much for me.
The decision is easy because...
Our conscious has never allowed us to take hormonal birth control (the pill). After doing a lot of research on the pill and whether it may cause an abortion, we have never been comfortable using it.
To be honest, we're kind of sick of using condoms.
The decision is easy because...
We've asked the Lord to search our hearts. This isn't a decision we've made lightly. We truly believe children are a reward from God. Although we are going to permanently prevent (as much as we can do that) adding biological children to our home, in no way do we feel comfortable saying that our home is done growing. Who are we to declare such a silly thing? God is good, sovereign and the planner of families. He has already ordained every day of every one of our children's lives. We were blessed to have birthed three amazing little people. We are equally blessed to have adopted Hudson, and any other child that God has already planned to be raised by us.
We would never feel comfortable declaring our home "full." There are days when it definitely feels full. There are days when I think I will never be able to do all that needs doing. But then I look in God's Word and am reminded of what God's kingdom is like. I'm reminded of the things God values. I'm reminded that children are a blessing...a reward...a gift from heaven. I'm reminded that I don't fully understand what God means when He says those things, but I want to understand them better.
By getting a vasectomy, we're not saying "no more children." We're just saying, "It doesn't seem best for us to keep birthing babies with our pregnancy track record. Any additional Hendricks will be added to our home through adoption."
The decision is easy because...
That's what Aaron has decided to do. As his wife, I've offered my thoughts...my concerns...but at the end of the day, this is Aaron's decision and he will answer to the Lord. I know this has been a huge decision for him. I know He does this with fear and trembling (for more reasons than one!)
The decision is hard because...
Well, if you're a guy...do I need to go into detail about why this decision has been difficult for Aaron? No one has to wonder too much about why we have put it off for so long even though we knew after Ashton was born that pregnancy was not going to happen again. Ashton is six! This proceedure is way less expensive, less of a big deal, and less invasive than if I were to get a tubal ligation. But that does not mean Aaron is overly excited about someone messing with his "junk."
The decision is hard because...
I found myself confessing to the Lord my narcissistic heart last night. I thought I was over it and yet it reared its ugly head again. That little snip in Aaron's man department means I'm saying "good-bye"...forever...to the thought of having a daughter. That made me cry last night. God gently reminded me that I could always adopt a daughter. And then I had to admit that I wasn't grieving that. I know I could adopt a daughter. I was grieving that we'd never birth a daughter...I'd never get to see my legs on someone else's body. I'd never get to see what a female would be like who was a little like me and a little like her daddy. So I cried all over again that I even care about such stupid stuff. I confessed my infatuation with myself to the Lord..I admitted (again) my giant crush on myself and asked God to forgive me. This planet is filled with daughters who need mothers. Maybe God will give us one of them. Maybe one day I will be free from thinking there is anything extra special about me and my DNA.
The decision is hard because...
There is still a part of me that wonders if we're being faithless. I talk about God's sovereignty. It's such a comfort to me. I say I believe in it, and yet the fear of getting pregnant is real in my life. As sinful as I am, my heart truly longs to live by faith. There is a lot of evidence in scripture that God is sovereign over the womb. He opens it. He closes it. Would He even be God if this was not so? If my uterus could out smart God, then is He any God worth worshiping? It would be odd for me to believe that God is God...that He is in control of everything...except for my womb. And yet I have to confess my fear. I am flat-out afraid of getting pregnant again.
It's always fun to talk about things. It's nice when everything stays abstract and vague. Talk is easy. Living our words out is never easy. The decision for permanent birth control or whether we use birth control at all in any form is sort of when the rubber meets the road...when what we believe comes face to face with real life and how we live it. These moments are probably wonderful indicators of our faith. It's easy to talk about God's sovereignty. It's a lot harder to let God's sovereignty ooze its way into every pore of our daily life and decisions. Do we believe God is sovereign? Do we believe He is in control of all of our days? Do we believe that He has ordained all of our days before one of them ever comes to pass? If so, why do we use birth control (permanently or not permanently?) If so, why aren't we all loading up our families and moving to the 10/40 window?
This entire decision has been so humbling for us. Are we being faithless? We're not sure.
I am also aware that when I choose to live by sight instead of by faith, that I am always being robbed of something. Part of me is afraid that by getting a vasectomy, we're missing out on something fantastic God wants us to learn...a deeper surrender to Him, a greater trust, a real-life taste of His sovereignty.
The decision is hard because...
Trying to walk by faith is exhausting at times. I love Andrew Peterson's song called "No More Faith." It talks about what a burden faith is and how he longs for the day when he's in heaven and he won't need faith anymore. We'll see everything clearly. We'll understand. The mysteries will be revealed.
I know it's just a vasectomy but this decision has been a big one, and it's weird how things like these that are not clearly spelled out in scripture cause us to long for heaven and for home. Where there will be answers. Where we won't have to get sore and sweaty working out the things in the Bible. This decision has caused achy muscles. We've felt it. Aaron is going to really feel it on Friday.
16 comments:
Thanks for sharing this sweet post. And thanks, as usual, for being so open and honest.
Thanks for...
"Maybe one day I will be free from thinking there is anything extra special about me and my DNA."
I just needed to be reminded of that myself. I love you!
I understand your confusion about whether a vasectomy is the right thing to do.
My husband had his done when he was 26 (we already had four children at the time). While we researched the physical ins and outs on if it was the right choice, I have to admit we did not search the scriptures on if it was the right decision.
We have since adopted four children (bringing us up to 8 total children), but over the last five years I have struggled in my heart with whether or not the vasectomy was something we should have done.
I have thought, "did we make a decision that God should have been allowed to make for our family?"
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles with it- it is nice to know I am not alone!
I really can appreciate the honesty with which you've shared your personal struggle with this issue. I'd like to submit that there is another option (since your con list is a lot longer than your pro list). www.fertilitycare.org We use it and love it and feel that it allows us to follow God's plan for our family, avoiding pregnancy when necessary, but still always remaining (and keeping our marriage and each marital act) open to His will and His gift of life.
Diane,
I looked at the link, but don't really understand what it is talking about.
Is this like Natural Family Planning?
Or is this something else?
I want the fear of pregnancy removed from my life. That's why we're opting for the vasectomy. Unless I'm reading it wrong (which is a possibility) the success rate for the method referred to in the link is lower than using condoms.
And not to be picky...just accurate...but the pro list is longer for us than the con list.
For real though...if you could briefly describe this method you've linked to, that would be really helpful. If not for me, then for other women reading this post.
Thanks!
Heather
i love that you pour your heart, and your love of god out in every post - no matter the topic.
from someone who has (does?) struggled with infertility, i can tell you that you are right there with most (some?) of us when you list out your reasons why this procedure scares you.
and slightly off topic, but i love to read your reminders about what it means to be a good wife and mom ... "and serve the sweet people that lived in our home" ... i have so much work to do on myself! especially in the midst of a less than stellar day (week) with 3 under 2.
very humbling, all of it - thanks!
Heather.....having made similar decisions for our family, I could say a lot on this topic ....but I'd rather add something to make you smile.... ready.... Red Hot Monogomy sex without condoms is fab! :) LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Ha! I was wondering how long it would take for one of my friends to go there, Melda!
That's also a pro I didn't write about in the post!
Heather
I love how open and honest you are, as someone above mentioned. I can so relate to and understand your struggles. I sent you a long e-mail last night, so I hope you get it! :)
Major nausea and the year-long post-partum hormonal funkiness are two very big reasons we're wrestling with these same things. I had baby fever a couple of months ago, got a stomach virus, and it suddenly disappeared! :) Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing friend!
Don't worry, if I ever have kids they'll all be girls. Your husband and me are kin and prolly share a lot more characteristics than anyone admits. You'll see some of him in mine.
Sorry, Heather, for being unclear. Yes, the Creighton Model FertilityCare System is a natural means for achieving and avoiding pregnancy. www.creightonmodel.com has more of the specifics on all of that (like no temp taking) and effectiveness rates (99.5% method effectiveness for avoiding pregnancy and really great for achieving, too, even with prior infertility.), etc. Like I said, we're users, but I'm also a FertilityCare Practitioner, so I could go on all day regarding this stuff. Best wishes to you and yours!
Heather, I love all of your posts, but this was a great one, and like everyone, I appreciate your honesty. We also went through a similar struggle with similar thoughts to yours. I think that Diane has the best answer, although we didn't learn about it in enough time to use it. Paul and I went through a class about Natural Family Planning, or something like that. There is more to it than taking your temp every morning...you have to be disciplined and daily chart certain things, and it doesn't take long, but the show stopper for me was taking your temp every morning at almost exactly the same time. I had a baby at the time that I was nursing, and 2 other toddlers and I needed and wanted sleep when I was able to get it. It also takes several months to learn to know your body and what the readings mean, and I just couldn't fathom adding one more responsibility to the mix at that stage in my life. I am, however, planning to start my daughters on it when they are older so that when they get married, they can use the method if they choose. There is no birth control involved, so God really is totally in charge of your womb, yet the success rate of avoiding (or getting pregnant if that is going to happen) is 97+%. It allows you to follow your faith without any birth control involved at all - God totally in charge (assuming you have self control for the few fertile days of your cycle).
Sorry this is so long. I thought it might be useful since there are obviously a lot of us who struggle with this issue. I can find the book if you like and give you the name of it. Had I started tracking things and been familar with the system before I was married and had children, it would have been easily my#1 choice of how to handle this situation and remain in God's will for us.
Yes, Susan...
Will you please pass the name of the book along? It would be wonderful for more women to know about it, especially the college women who read this blog (and mother's of daughters!)
Heather
I regret the decision to get a Vasectomy every hour of every day, and wish I had been more diligent in seeking guidance before doing it. I don't think God intended us to mess up His plumbing, and I have done everything to put things back the way God intended.
I also really appreciate your honesty and the struggle you've presented in this post. My husband opted to get a vasectomy several years ago, before we ever met. He felt this was what he should do. He too prayed about it. The reasons he felt so strongly were numerous. And he was a Christian at the time.
Needless to say, since we married, it has been a huge struggle for us to get pregnant. He really regrets his prior decision. After 5 failed IVF attempts, we went to a Christian surgeon in Oklahoma to reverse his vasectomy this October. He continues to have pain and swelling from the surgery (4 months later).
Our only hope of pregnancy is a miracle from the Lord. He is the only one who truly can open the womb. In that case, if He is, then who are we to mess with His work?
I totally understand your fears and concerns. But I would just encourage continued prayer regarding this, so you have no regrets in the future.
God bless you with this very deep and personal decision.
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